Now that I feel like me again. . .

Weird

2011-01-31T09:25:00.000-08:00

When a friendship takes a turn for the worse, I am a confusing person on the physical level, being that I am the touchy-feely-physical-reassurance-seeker type. When I feel guilty it is even worse. Sometimes when I am mad at someone, or feel disconnected from them, I throw out all the wrong signals. I am sick of feeling guilty about that too. I am fucking weird.

Feeling pretty good about the breaks.

2010-10-25T15:10:00.000-07:00

Cutting down on everything non essential. Including sugar and fat and gaming, at least until the New Year. Lots of real life drama has reminded me, again (how many times am I going to lose sight of the important stuff, only to be smacked around when reality hits?), how much I am attracted to made-up drama: the kind of stuff that we are drawn to and blow out of proportion when nothing interesting is going on. It is comparable to World of Warcraft's false sense of accomplishment. I am looking forward to coming back with a little more in reserve, at least to gaming, in February. It really isn't tat far away. Never going to have perspective on chocolate though! I don't even know what that would feel like!!

2010-04-04T06:58:00.000-07:00

Haven't blogged in forever. What's up, folks?

I am glad it is spring. Happy that the weather is kinder. The wind and dust here is crazy lately. But I hate winter jackets and having to wear toques and mittens and scarves. I wonder what it would be like to live down south sometimes. But I love Canada. We've got it pretty good.

The list so far.

2009-12-16T11:35:00.000-08:00

Decorations almost completed.
Mistletoe hung. (heh)
Cookies not yet baked but all necessary trappings are purchased.
New table up and looking awesome. (I likes Ikea + 10)
Wall of books and boardgames in living room finished.
Gifts list made.
Kitchen cleaned.

To do: Clean.... alot - How did the floor get that dirty? I blame the kitten.

2009-12-07T10:48:00.000-08:00

I trudged through snow, made it to work 15 minutes late, and found myself in good spirits anyways. Weirdo.

2009-11-09T11:21:00.001-08:00

Went and found a family doctor. When I told him I used to be a painter, he asked me why I wasn't painting. I told him that there is something missing when I paint and it isn't particularly a financial or time related issue. And I have been miserable about it for a long time. I took it as a good sign that he would ask such a question and then actually LISTEN to my answer.

I have all the same fears and issues I have been whiny about for a few years now going through my head. One day I am sad, the next day furious, the next day downtrodden. And then I hit "What the FUCK is wrong with me" mode and lose it. I'm good at keeping those moods downplayed in my body language and speech, you may be surprised to know. Not because I want to hide it but I know I can be an overwhelming person.

What I cannot seem to understand is how I can be so happy and so angry and so depressed all at the same time! What the hell is that?

Bah.

2009-11-02T12:11:00.000-08:00

I'm unhappy. I don't know why. I am sick of myself.

Chain LIGHTNING!

2009-10-09T08:23:00.000-07:00

http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0684.html

Okay, got that out of my system.

I've moved into a big house and love my second family. The Kobs are gathering soon to get a real family picture with a photographer and everything! Mom is off chemo and waiting to go in to get an updated CT scan in early November. There is a 25% chance that she will have beaten the cancer after 8 months of chemo. Neil is alive and we are all very very grateful to have him safe. Money is really tight, but I intend to buy a turkey anyways! Whoever helped Alina buy me that ticket by the way - you made me cry, you jerks!! Thank you.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Angst take 1

2009-08-26T12:09:00.000-07:00

Read the news and I'm draggin myself down.
Hunger, war, meaningless deaths,
petty crimes, helplessness,
looting, killing, children missing.

Makes me angry.
When it bubbles up I make myself sick.

So angry and I cry it out.
I hate the feeling that comes
from crying out that kind of anger;

you are thin and cold and empty.

And waiting to feel better,
knowing you will eventually,
makes everything seem to move
so fucking slowly.

I wonder what it would be like
if I had life-threatening
dignity-stealing
hardship in my life?

Feeling anger and sadness for someone else's pain
seems laborious, indulgent, a luxury of the pampered we...
so why can't I stop?

Moving

2009-08-24T10:36:00.000-07:00

We found a rental house to move into and I am pumped. There are 2.5 bathrooms, and one is in the master bedroom! And the kitchen is filled with light and there is a barbeque and a firepit and a finished basement. We will have lots of room. Dave's dad is moving in with us because he has been sick, but there is a bedroom and den that is perfect for him to hermit in. We move October 1st. The landlord is pleasant and very happy to have a family moving in rather than university students. We can paint and we can move things in stages during September if we like. Woot, I say.

Marco?

2009-08-22T18:12:00.000-07:00

Does anyone read this little blog? I am thinking that Facebook killed the blog in my case.

Expectation Management

2009-08-10T12:25:00.000-07:00

I think it is the single hardest skill to learn. A very adult skill. This thought has not been brought on by anything in particular. Me being thinky. Considering adulthood and life and such.

Moving again.

2009-08-06T11:09:00.000-07:00

Seems like the days where I moved every year should be "a long time ago". I spent nine years in Saskatoon and moved around close to that many times but those were mostly university days. It is nice to change ones' surroundings I suppose; this time it will be a little more rushed than I am used to or would like, but I want stability now and am not willing to wait. I am practiced at it at least.

I like to plan. I like to be ready weeks in advance. Friends tell me I am chaos, so perhaps my idea of planning is odd. Certainly my idea of organization is unique. I look forward to imposing said uniqueness in my own kitchen and my own space! Like a dictator, but one that produces soups and chili and stew and casseroles and cookies and muffins and bread and cinnamon buns - I think I might look around for a bread maker (if you have one to give away you let me know). Oh and fudge. My grandma's fudge needs to be made stat. It has graham cracker crumbs in it and is beyond decadent without being too sweet! I should say I am terrible at being a dictator; I tidy all the time and accepted long ago that cleaning up after others is easier than getting annoyed with people who just don't care if things are clean or not :) Different priorities, I suppose. I think my new little family will not mind.

I've been in Edmonton for a little over a year.

I've been living at Dave's house during that time and I am terribly grateful that I had a place to call home.

I feel entirely responsible for Isis's death. She was my responsibility and I knew she, being completely codependent, couldn't deal with the world without me. That makes me very sad and more, it has caused me to have genuine regret in a way I rarely experience. "Maybe if I had gotten a second job and moved out on my own..." I keep thinking. I knew that would be very very stressful for me with all my other issues and chose my well being over hers. She seemed alright at first and then over time went nuts and a little wild in the last six months, eventually scratched my mom badly, and then she began terrorizing one of their little dogs, and they had her put to sleep. I am sorry, Icy. That is my fault. I accept that and intend to go forward knowing what set of circumstances I will consider appropriate before I allow myself a pet again.

Kestrel asked me if she could call me "mom" very seriously and told me she would like to be like me when she grows up. Cas and I chatted about it and then I told her that I would like to stay "Carla" for a little while and that she was a very special girl and she makes my heart hurt. She seemed okay with that. Talk about responsibilities. Kind of suits me really. This last year has been one of the first times that few people expected much from me. I didn't really like it much.

Reasons to be happy today :)

2009-06-06T10:16:00.000-07:00

I have new glasses and the difference is fantastic. Wearing them is giving me a headache but I am told that I MUST wear them from now on and the headaches will go away as I get used to them. I remember hearing that when I was in grade four!

I'm in love.

I get to see old friends this coming week.

I am going camping!! Woohoo!

I made it through payroll even with all the bad luck battering at me (stupid Abacus piece of crap program!).

It is summer.

With inhaler in hand I have managed not to have too much trouble while riding the bus (stupid smokers who smell like old rancid cigarettes and overpowering cologne!).

I haven't been sick in FOREVER (for me).

Bacon and eggs benedict with really good Hollandaise sauce.

Hugs from little 9 year old girls who giggle and whirlwind and make my heart hurt.

I am becoming my mother...

2009-06-01T13:01:00.000-07:00

I have trouble relaxing in a house that has dirty dishes languishing in both sinks (there is a distinctive look to spaghetti sauce when it has been sitting on a plate for more than a week) or clothes everywhere (bedroom=fine but kitchen= not) and papers and knickknacks and garbage and such all over the floors and surfaces of the main areas. And if the bathroom is filthy.... ick ick ick. It stresses me out to look at it or think about it. The fact that I get sick or have breathing problems in a house that has mold or dust is second to my increasing OCD (or CDO as DS calls it, because and I quote, "If you really are obsessive compulsive, wouldn't you want the letters in the right order?" grrr). My mom used to vaccuum almost every day because dust made her itch. I see that what I saw then as crazy is in fact very reasonable to me now.

I am okay with helping someone who is not so concerned with their mess, as long as they are willing to trade me in other favours or be appropriately worshipful (lol). Why? Because then I get to deal with something that is really my problem and not theirs at all. Most people are messy because they could care less and it doesn't bother them all that much, and I can accept that (as long as I don't have to live with the worst offenders).

I am not nor shall I ever be a cleanliness goddess - my room is, like me sometimes, organized chaos that only I can translate - but I cannot function for very long in a place that is messy visually. Unsanitary is a big old No F'in Way!

If I am becoming my mother, I don't really mind so much. I wish more people were like her on many other points.

P.S. I am so glad that I live where I do. D's house is beautiful. I find the colors and the shapes and the general order to be calming and after a whole year of living there, I relax quite readily. Helps that I love my roomies :)

Hitting the wall

2009-04-22T15:24:00.001-07:00

I am suddenly feeling overwhelmed. By everything. I don't know why and I am really frustrated by it. Nothing is overwhelming right now, or it shouldn't be. Gonna go home and get in the shower and get the asthma under control and try to get my head on right again.

No need to argue anymore.

2009-04-16T17:03:00.000-07:00

AJ gave me "No Need to Argue" (Cranberries). I am listening to "Dreaming My Dreams". Sunlight is making everything feel glowy and warm. I have ivy and vines and red roses and African violets along one side of the room growing and happy for the bright. I love having plants around. A very immediate feeling of being needed comes from having to take care of something living but when it comes to plants there is little demand on ones' time. And they make everything shine a little bit. Maybe they do improve the energy of a room, like Feng Shui practitioners claim.

"Dreaming My Dreams" by the Cranberries.
All the things you said to me today,
Change my perspective in every way.
These things come to mean so much to me,
Into my faith, you and your baby.

It's out there. It's out there.
It's out there. If you want me I'll be here.
[x2]

I'll be dreaming my dreams with you.
I'll be dreaming my dreams with you.
And there's no other place,
That I'd lay down my face.
I'll be dreaming my dreams with you.

It's out there. It's out there.
It's out there. If you want me I'll be here...
[x2]

I'll be dreaming my dreams with you.
I'll be dreaming my dreams with you.
And there's no other place,
That I'd lay down my face.
I'll be dreaming my dreams with you.

Dreaming my dreams with you.
I'll be dreaming my dreams with you.
And there's no other place,
That I'd lay down my face.
I'll be dreaming my dreams with you

PS- The "No Need to Argue" lyrics are nearly perfect, gorgeous.

2009-03-18T14:54:00.000-07:00

Everyone I spoke with today slept badly last night. I got home and felt drained yesterday. I ended up curling up in bed with a big mug of tea reading a book. I have four different books on the go and I cannot seem to finish any of them!! Grrr. I have no idea what time I fell asleep, but I woke up at midnight from my snooze and I was so hungry! I didn't eat much yesterday. Nothing of substance anyways. I lost five or six pounds over the fours weeks I was sick and fighting infections but I have more than made up for it by eating barely anything that isn't chocolate this week. Why is chocolate so good?

Better sleeps tonight for all! I won't allow anything less! You heard me. Get to sleep!

Let's see.

2009-03-15T15:54:00.000-07:00

Besides some residual issues and the continued antibiotic doses, I am healthy again after four weeks of feeling sorry for myself. Yay! I've been hit by some anxiety over a friend who was hurt badly, but I have been coping really well and not leaning on others heavily. Keeping this stuff to a low boil instead of letting it all out on others makes me feel better in the long run. I've been reading and drawing and eating well. I'm still missing 'something' but I am content to have that something revealed to me by being mindful rather than running around trying to sort it out and tiring myself out; I am great at running in circles. And I have made more new friends, some of which I am glad to be only aquainted with and some that I would like to get to know better. Oh, and I meet a really sweet man that takes me out for supper and makes me smile. Good beginning, I think :)

If you had to choose between being obviously bad or good in a story, or being in one of the grayest areas as a character, which would you prefer? The good, the gray, or the badden?
The gray characters are always so much more interesting, but usually far more tragic!! I think I would prefer to be interesting, but then there are very few characters that are almost purely good or bad, I suppose. Thoughts?

2009-03-03T11:39:00.000-08:00

My brain is filled with strange images, abstract and insistent. They keep flashing at me when I am doing anything mindless, like they are trying to escape. I was washing a dish in the sink and then this flash of stark black and white, not quite like this old painting from back in the day, but similar in simplicity and form, smacked me in the brain pan. And I've been doodling ever since and doing creative things. It must be almost spring and I'm coming out of my state of inertia wanting to create. Makes me slightly resentful, as I imagine (in a fanciful way) a bear must feel when woken from hibernation to a grumbling stomach. Those of you who know me, know how much I love my sleep.

Smash Boom Bang

2009-03-01T00:58:00.000-08:00

I don't fucking care this weekend. Nothing outside myself seems to be pressing or necessary. It is not apathy, either. Instead it is a reaction to caring too much normally and it feels rather nice? I worry so much about whether I did my share of compromising in dealings with other people. In that worry there is a lack of caring for what I want. And I want to take care of what I want. It has all left me feeling very strange, like something in the way I look at myself and others has shifted a little and I am not certain what it will affect down the road. It seems more likely that I being such a moody creature have simply found a new mode to be in and it will shift like sand within a day's time.

I've seen BC and the mountains and the ocean and I've recently been to an aquarium. I had snails in butter and garlic and I have been on a few dates with a nice guy here in town. Real dates where you get to dress up and get to know the other person through conversation and go out to a nice restaurant. I had a nice birthday all told and I am grateful for having had such a nice time. I'm doing well. I miss a few people lately, but I keep forgetting to email and phone them.

Things are pretty good.

Too nice?

2009-01-12T10:58:00.000-08:00

I like to remind myself of my priorities; what should they be and what are they now? One of my priorities is remembering to think about what I want more often and learning to please myself. I’m trying to remember the wisdom of an accomplished selfish woman - what is the point of worrying about who you are? You are you and nothing you do is “not you”. Identity crisis is boring. The phrase “it isn’t like me to” is only useful for compartmentalizing yourself.

I think about other people most of the time: Am I a bad friend? A bad girlfriend? Have I asked for too much? Have I not explained well enough? Is a fight my doing? Did I not compromise enough? Am I being too selfish? Did I misunderstand because I wasn’t listening? Have I hurt someone due to my own lack of understanding? I have been told I am too nice. It isn’t “too nice”; I desire to please in the hopes of getting some of the same in return and on occasion I pay for it because others are only interested in taking. It is selfish to give with the hope of getting, though that is not the primary reason I do it. The real selfishness is my fascination with how other people work. If I am nice and I listen, then I get to know you and I get to understand how another person processes their world and I am addicted to my own curiosity. I wish that others were able to be kinder and more thoughtful and did not take advantage because that would work in my favour.

I've had so much fun.

2009-01-02T00:45:00.000-08:00

Christmas was sometimes overwhelming but the best I have had in years. I felt loved and cared about by friends new and old, and family too. I went dancing last night and I was smiling constantly :) It is fucking fantastic to be start out happy and not feel like I "needed" to go out and dance in order to be cheered from depression. I am so grateful that I had the company I had this weekend and the fun and the unexpected chance to take a few more days off. After approx. four months of being single and a little unsure of how that made me feel, I am finally adjusting to the fact that I have learned to think about me first - which is probably why I broke up with said ex in the first place.

So I bought myself an outrageous pair of goth pants, showed much cleavage, kissed a few hotties, and got hit on lots. A guy actually bought me a drink at the bar! I've been hit on before in a bar, but never had someone actually buy me a drink. And he was tall, dark, and handsome and had a very arty look . . . . I was so stunned when all he asked from me was that I frown (which of course I could not accomplish because I was in TOO good a mood) that I didn't even think to give him my number! lol

The only thing unfinished is to phone my mom tomorrow and wish her a happy new year. I am filled with social energy still tonight but I am off to try and sleep anyways. I hope everyone had a great New Years Eve and I have a few saved up kisses if you require :)

Back in E'town

2008-12-29T08:09:00.000-08:00

I am eating a cherry cheese danish, and sitting at my office desk wondering if the boss will be in at all today. Obviously there was a mix up - perhaps I was supposed to take today off as well. I have a few things to do and then I am going to go home and have a nap under my new soft warm sheets. I knew that Steph would not be in today but I thought her father would be. Oh well.

I am pumped for New Years! And so glad to sleep in my own bed. And more than pleased that Dave did such an awesome job this Christmas with his diet!! I played a Sleepy Hollowesque one shot with Wade and Kitty and Quinn on the fly yesterday before I drove back. It was great to play with Quinn - he had Kitty and I laughing at his character until we finally abandoned him to his DOOOOM. Vampire: "Do you wish me to prevent you from rising again?" Quinn's noble: "I'm too pretty to die!"

Screw you, money!

2008-11-14T11:24:00.000-08:00

I've squirreled away a tiny amount to go out and dance tonight. I am going even though I cannot afford it with the weird Student Loans snafu I am dealing with right now. I am heading to a gallery opening before hand too. I might even have a drink in toast to old friends lost tonight. I have been thinking about all the funerals I've been to in the last ten years and wondering what would have happened "if". It is a good kind of sad/thoughtful; I think the best that anyone can do is remember people who have died. You might have learned something from that person or their experience, but that is not always true or relevant. It is the remembering [stories and smiles] that seems most important to me.

2008-11-09T15:04:00.000-08:00

I feel like me again. That was the point of this particular blog and now I am at a loss.

I am making art again. I am feeling pretty awesome despite setbacks and some bad days.

nature art rocksaurs

2008-11-04T12:23:00.000-08:00

I love this.

And this project considers some questions that I have wondered about for a long time; what in the body causes the experience of emotion? Or what physiological process is involved with emotional sensation? Are those emotions felt or experienced in the body similarily between people or are they completely disparate or somewhere in the gray? How do each of us imagine how we experience emotion? In college I researched the sensation and experience of awe or a sense of the presence of god or spirits. I read a great deal on the subject of faith healing and the sparking of faith through touch and dance and music and tongues that is so important to modern baptist-flavoured Christianity. And in my art I tried to find ways to visually represent those things. And now here are ways of visualizing something similar. So cool.

I am addicted to Dark Roasted Blend, if you cannot tell. :)

2008-10-31T13:43:00.001-07:00

Happy Halloween!!!!!

I ate chocolate for supper.

2008-10-28T22:08:00.000-07:00

As the title reads. Two Mars bars and some chocolate covered peanuts were all I wanted to eat when I got home. So that is what I had for supper. And eventually I had some popcorn too. Healthy eating be damned!! I hate cooking when it is just me. I should organize a big cooking day this winter and make people come over and swap freezable main dishes. Like chili and stew and pasta dishes. Maybe a casserole or something too. I know it is more normal to have a cookie swap and I like cookies well enough but they are not my favorite thing. I want lunches instead! Laugh if you must!

I have more plants and my Halloween costume is almost complete. Things are pretty good. Be better if I had still more chocolate though :)

An update.

2008-10-23T22:21:00.000-07:00

I feel good. My feet and ankles feel smaller. I had to get new bras and I can fit into some old clothes. And though the last weeks have not been wonderful, I am coping excellently with things as they come. I have more and more confidence that I can roll with the punches and I am relieved. No more being overwhelmed with anxiety - that is my goal.

I got called an artist today :) My first reaction - "I am not." My second reaction - "Okay, well maybe I am lately." I've been thinking visually and dreaming about strange things.

Your result for What Your Taste in Art Says About You Test...

Extroverted, Progressive, and Intelligent

5 Cubist, 0 Islamic, -12 Ukiyo-e, 1 Impressionist, 4 Abstract and -19 Renaissance!

Cubism was a 20th century avant-garde movement, pioneered by Pablo Picasso and Georges Braque. It revolutionized European art and inspired changes in music and literature. The first branch of cubism, known as Analytic Cubism. It was both radical and influential as a short but highly significant art movement between 1908 and 1911 mainly in France. In its second phase, Synthetic Cubism, (using synthetic materials in the art) the movement spread and remained vital until around 1919.

People that chose Cubist paintings as their favorite art form tend to be very individualized people. They are more extroverted and less afraid of speaking their opinions then other people. They tend to be progressive and are very forward thinking. As the cubist painting is like looking into a shattered mirror where you can see different angles of the images, the people that prefer these paintings like looking at all angles of a problem. These people are intelligent and they are the transformers of our generation. They look beyond what is seen into what things could become. They are ready to leave the ideas of the past behind and look at what the future has to offer.

Take What Your Taste in Art Says About You Test at HelloQuizzy

Graveyards and Memories

2008-10-19T20:53:00.000-07:00

I drove out on the grids and made my way to the place where my dad grew up. There is nothing left of the homestead. Well, the lane that led to it is there, and all the trees that surrounded the house, but no buildings and none of the warmth of the place is left. The occupants of the farm yard that stands where the town of Sinnett used to be have taken the Sinnett sign and posted it on a tall stake on the fence leading into their yard. And there are a few rock commemoration sites that say, "We were here."

I drove out to St. Ignatius, the Sinnett old fashioned white-spire church, and went in to say hello to all the family that are buried there. I like the graveyard; it is surrounded by tangled trees and brush on all sides and old fencing is the only thing that holds the trees at bay. It is one of the last familiar places out there. Among others, my great grandfather and great uncle and my grand parents are buried there. And in the back corner is a grave stone for the baby that would have been my dad's younger brother if he had lived. Then I drove past the acreage where I lived for several years (which is also completely gone except for a few old buildings) and over to St Mary's graveyard where Heather was buried this Friday. And it made me really sad but I am glad that I drove up to say goodbye. And I left her some candy for Halloween.

2008-10-14T19:06:00.001-07:00

thanks, xkcd.

Bathroom graffiti is one of my favorite things, probably because I both understand and do not understand the urge. There is a strange connection to others in that private space that is public space. Private for a few moments, one could do anything they wanted or at least there is a quality of that kind of freedom. Yet so many people have been or will be where you just were, thinking their private thoughts and taking a moment to stink up the place and drawing some emotional forbidden thing or simply exercising a need to say "something" because they cannot shut up. I wonder who leaves weird drawings and poems and fuck you's. Is it a caveman thing? Bar bathrooms are often very colorful. Why do young drunken people write on the walls of the shitter? Why the fuck do I have to be so curious? I am Curiosity's bitch.

Taking stock of the reboot so far.

2008-10-12T13:28:00.000-07:00

I've lost weight, I'm getting paid better, and I enjoy going to work every morning. Ideas for art projects are crowding in my head and I have offered to make art for friends after a long period of anxiety at the thought of making a promise I might not be able to follow through on. My love life is nada and I miss my crazy cat sometimes. A beautiful young woman I grew up with died on Friday; my thoughts are with her family and her sister, who is one of my favorite people in this world and the best of friends. I feel very sad when I think about it. I am in shock.

Cori has invited me to have supper with her family for Thanksgiving. :) I miss my family and my brother in Saskatoon, but I called and wished them all well.

After having become mindful of what I eat, it is strange to see how much food I want to consume when I am stressed. Stupid how easy it is to fall back on old habits. I ate most of a small pumpkin pie this weekend on my own. Pumpkin pie is so tasty.

Here are some weird doodles I have been drawing.

2008-10-08T10:25:00.000-07:00

Firefly was serious fun! I had the pleasure of playing with people who really connected with each other in my small group and we got shit done! I got to use the old LARPer joke "Wow, I think we win!" Cory P and I got some good game after a lot of lukewarm experiences and burnout in recent years*. Thanks to Deb and Wade!!! And everyone who made the game so much fun!

I seem to be more myself with each passing week. I drew all over my jeans without thinking about it last week while talking on the phone and I've been playing with drawings at home. Things are pretty good. Now I just have to think of what to do for Thanksgiving.

*Cory suffers from Storyteller Syndrome and I have been broken for sometime.

Costumes

2008-10-01T09:20:00.000-07:00

I am trying to decide what I want to wear for Halloween. I was thinking of going as the female Hawkeye from Young Avengers because I like her costume a lot. And I have most of what I would need already. Hmmm. . . . A few people suggested I go with Zatanna but I do not know if I could pull that off. I can do form fitting but showing my thighs off like that . . .

What are other people thinking about being for Halloween?

Speaking of costuming, I am pumped for the Firefly LARP. I think it will be a very pretty game!

I want the Gaffer's Bounce Lamp, these are cool. and I wish I had this steampunk accessory for Firefly :)

2008-09-28T22:53:00.000-07:00

I have lost 55 lbs as of today since I moved away from Saskatoon in April. I don't see much difference except that my clothes all fit badly and I feel a little lighter. It seems I am losing weight evenly, which I understand is not often the case. I think even my feet are a little smaller. I ordered some costuming stuff online and it turns out that they are too big because I am still in the mindset to shop for my old sizes.

I am off to sleep the sleep of a satified tv watcher - I love the new series, "True Blood". It is shameless in its ugliness (as Cori says) and so beautiful at the same time. And it is full of action and intrigue. If you love vampires, you should watch it.

2008-09-19T09:59:00.000-07:00

Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day! Yarrr!

I am going to go find somewhere to get a trim tonight. My hair is buggin' me. And maybe it will stop me from doing something insane * (want) to it on my own. Stupid ocd grrrrr. I want to play with scissors right now, and I want so badly to take paint to a wall. Or markers. Hell, I want to go to Montana's so I can draw on the table.

* not so much insane as pretty cool.

2008-09-16T08:39:00.000-07:00

I want so badly to find a pile of fall leaves to jump in. I love autumn.

I'm going to costume tonight. And go through my closet. And watch Gossip Girl so I can gush with Cori :) And do some upkeep on my plants, because they are looking rather sad. Alan, I am sorry to tell you that Ajax and Helo murdered the last plant you gave me. They got into my room a few times in the last month and Ajax figured out that your plant was the tastiest.

Innocence

2008-09-15T09:06:00.000-07:00

I drove home from S'toon in a weird state of relief and melancholy. Rhea lent me two mixed cds for Promethean and I listened to them as I chased the sunset. And as I drove my mind wandered back to the pain of reading Mary Shelly's Frankenstein. I hated parts of the novel but I admit it also caused strong reactions; the horror that Frankenstein feels when he decides that his creation is not good enough and is a"creature" fills me with anger. I considered what it would be like to be innocent. It means without evil intent, but it also has that stigma of ignorance or stupidity. If one were to create a construct and give it only love and acceptance, would that creation stay innocent or would intelligence and individual perception eventually cause it to lose innocence in exchange for experience? Is that trade off "worth it"?

I like to think of Adam and Eve as ignorant and retarded, uncomplicated from lack of experience, rather than as an ideal that anyone should aspire to be. I am sure I got it from Dante or something, but I cannot remember. They are really little more than pets in a fun and happy God zoo. They run around eating and peeing and staring into each other's eyes and there is no sex and no discussion and no strong emotion and no children and they are little more than dirty scavengers. It is a fun perspective to take when reading about the very real Christian desire to return to Eden. Our current culture respects and values experience and intelligence and individual rights. We could never return to Eden as we are. We would need to be far less complicated to live in Eden.

Flip the literary comparison and think of God as Doctor Frankenstein instead. He created his constructs. He had all his own intentions. But just like Frankenstein, those intentions went out the door when his expectations of his "children" were not met. Perhaps the Judeo-Christian God is worthy of awe and respect for all the power he has, but he is as much a terror as Frankenstein for all the hurt and pain he hands out to his most cherished creations in the Bible. His punishments and actions are one tragedy after another, especially for Jesus. When I was very young, I remember going to church on Easter and hearing how Jesus cried tears of blood as he begged his Father not to lay this burden upon him and then for the strength to be a willing sacrifice. I remember feeling so much empathy and running out into the overgrown gravel quarry behind the family farm house after we got home and having a good cry. It never sat well with me that Jesus's dad would do something so terrible and I think in that moment I wondered what other fathers felt entitled to ask of their children. Thinking back on that makes me shiver now that I know what some people have gone through with their families and parents. I was so fucking lucky with my parents, because they both have hearts of gold.

Maybe culture is wrong. Maybe we should stop valuing intelligence above simplicity and experience above innocence. Maybe if we stopped thinking we would stop raping and killing and hurting each other. I don't think so personally. It makes me want to rewrite Mary Shelley's tale to suit today's ethos.

I changed two long term relationships this weekend. I feel a little hollow but things will be alright. Thanks to everyone who has given me a hug or well wishes. I appreciate it.

2008-09-09T22:31:00.000-07:00

I'm really sad tonight. And there is nothing to do but go to sleep and get up tomorrow and keep doing that until things get a little brighter.

On that note, I'm bringing my kitty to stay with my parents. She likes it there and things are not working out for her here. I want her to be happier and it is the responsible thing to do. I'm going to miss her though. Six plus years I've had my little follower and snuggler. She likes to get in under the covers next to my chest and purr, or sleep in the curve of my legs, or touch her cold nose to my check to wake me up when she wants me to pet her in the morning. But she will have so much fun at mom and dad's catching mice and running around outside.

My but I have been lax

2008-09-06T17:46:00.000-07:00

I gave up one job and have started another. I am pleased with my decision and feel more useful and appreciated. I went to the Art Gallery of Alberta and saw a fantastic exhibit of Durer's "humanist" prints and several of my favorite native performance artists and photographers. Lori Blondeau and Adrian Stimson's photos of putting the "Wild back into the Wild West" made me laugh out loud. And I have been sleeping alot. Perhaps more than is healthy. I can sleep for twelve hours and still want to go back to sleep. I am going to go to a doctor and see about that. I intend to take on a second job for a limited time (however long I can handle it) so I can dig myself out of my fanancial hole a little more quickly. I am in a Wonderland tabletop!! Yay. And I think my artmaking block is finally over. The idea of painting or designing no longer makes me feel strain and tension. This three or four year artist's block has been a real bitch.

In other news, I love my roomies and the house feels like home now. Isis continues to be a menace but things are at a simmer. I am off to make a list of all the people I need to email or phone because I have been lax in the keeping in touch department. And I am going to blare music and organize my sewing crap and generally get my shit together.

I miss Saskatoon people. I miss the friends that I could call and go to the Broadway Roastery with. I miss Cory P's cooking and I miss Wade. I miss D&D. Otherwise, things rocksaur,

2008-07-27T01:54:00.001-07:00

I love rock band. And barbeques. And I had my cigar.
I am sure I was my usual kid in a candy store self when I get happy and I annoyed a few fo'ks. But I don't feel bad about it.

2008-07-17T11:10:00.001-07:00

I want a shot of vodka and something to break. And a cigar.

Might be a hug slut

2008-07-16T22:34:00.001-07:00

The last few weeks have been a lot of fun. This last weekend was gorgeous; I spent time with new friends and got to know a few aquaintances better. I allowed myself some high school crushing and naughty antics. And I bonded with Jordan over Nine Inch Nails and the Craft on the ride home. Last night, I went with her and a lovely bunch of keeners to watch the Dark Knight!! At an Imax theatre!! Yay. Sleep is the thing I have been missing most, with a close second being withdrawal from constantly having someone to hug. Oh, and after a solid year of having no desire to read, I purchased and am half way through a new book. I had forgotten how much I love being swept away. Working at the book store fucked with my interest and patience but that is faded. For now, I am going to go catch up with sleep.

The weekend

2008-07-07T12:52:00.000-07:00

James was in town for 18 hours. It was too short but I got in alot of hugging. And our house hosted a breakfast on Sunday . . . or as Cori pointed out, other people made breakfast and I supervised :) The ominous warning that "this is setting a bad precendent. . . " was given several times. Have I mentioned that I love making breakfast with other people?

Orange juice, coffee, chocolate filled croissants, fresh fruit, "death"browns, chocolate and apple cinnamin waffles, blueberry pancakes, bacon, muffins, and real maple syrup. Oh, and chocolate cake with raspberry sauce too. And somehow through all of my fussing I managed to eat very little. Thanks everyone for driving out and bringing food.

Cori and I went for a walk, which I greatly appreciated - I never want to walk unless someone else does. But I enjoy it when I can walk with interesting people.

While James was here we tried out Rock Band. I had played it once before as a guitarist and thought it was okay. But I took the singer role this time and I really enjoyed myself. I admit I may be the slightest bit addicted :) I played it for four hours last night. Until my voice was sore. Partly I did it because I was pleased to find that my lung capacity is a lot better than it was even three months ago. And I am enjoying the fact that the focus is not really on the lyrics, which I never remember. I want to play it right now :) I was getting great scores on the medium level and I am considering trying out the harder level. . . yay.

No big news

2008-07-03T15:03:00.000-07:00

D looked at my car and it appears that the issue was simple; my old rad cap was not holding pressure anymore and fluid was bubbling up and spilling out - this explains the inconsistent loss of radiator fluid. The reason that one side of the rad may be wet is because the fan moves towards that side when it spins, pushing the fluid in that direction. Fingers crossed :)

My favorite pants are too big - I may need to wear a belt.

I wore a hot pink shirt to work today and did not feel too self conscious. . . pink looks really good on me. I still love black more.

I miss my boyfriend today.

Under 300

2008-06-29T11:50:00.000-07:00

When I tell people what I weigh I often get a disbelieving look. . . I guess I wear the weight well . . . as it were (grin). And I have a certain confidence that allows me to let go of how big I have become in the last ten years. If you do not want to know my weight feel free to stop reading :)

I fluctuated between 325 and 330 for a year. My highest weight was 331lbs. That was at the end of February this year. When I moved to my parents place in April, I lost 16 lbs. Now I have lost an additional 19. I lost 35 pounds in three months by getting some help with my depression and eating a little better. I am 295 lbs today. I am pleased. More than I can explain. I weigh less than 300lbs. Oh, and I get to plant more flowers and IVY tonight. I love ivy :)

So that is what is new with me. How about all of you? What are people doing for Canada Day else where?

2008-06-23T05:56:00.000-07:00

I am headed off to work. Icy is purring and trying to convince me to go back to sleep so she can curl up into her favorite spot behind my knees. Helo has his nose inside the door with a look that says, "Can the crazy lady come out to play?"

I dyed my hair and wasted away my sickly hours watching Veronica Mars, which I am addicted to. Why can't she just marry Logan and then have a happily ever after? Not that I really want the show to be over but grumble. I feel like I am watching the Buffy and Spike show all over again and it breaks my heart.

More ramblings later.

Right, so I have become a bit of a snore this week.

2008-06-12T22:35:00.001-07:00

I have to get up at 6:00AM so that I can spend 20 minutes trying to wake myself up, another 20 actually waking up while I wander into the shower and then another 30 running about making sandwiches and trying to find clean clothes etc. I have been wearing a little bit of makeup because Icy fell on my head while trying to climb onto my window in the middle of the night and I have a scratch that is not easily disguised on my cheek (perfect timing for my first day at work). Then I have to drive 25 to 35 minutes to get to work and be there before 8AM to open everything. I am working a reception position at a hospital in a department that deals with employees rather than visitors or patients and I really like it. The people are really great and I feel useful and helpful, which are two things that I crave a little too often for my own good.

The best part? I may actually be able to pay off a little debt and I can try for promotions or at least get some much needed experience for down the road. I want something solid for a while. I have no real interest in painting, but I have been pouring myself into other creative pursuits.

If I haven't given you a hug for a while, I wish I could :) I miss S'toon but I miss S'toon people more. Edmonton is lovely, but it isn't quite home yet,

I got a full-time job!

2008-06-04T10:56:00.001-07:00

As the headline reads . . . YAY!!

Home, Quest, and Influence

2008-06-03T12:14:00.000-07:00

"No matter how dreary and gray our homes are, we people of flesh and blood would rather live there than in any other country, be it ever so beautiful. There is no place like home." ~ L. Frank Baum ~

When Dorothy repeats, "There is no place like home!" in the film, I start wondering how many think of "home" in a positive or longing sense, whatever home might mean for them. A friend from the US who not so recently moved back there after living in Canada had mixed emotions at having to return. I both loved and hated my last apartment. I guess there are a few places that I feel strongly about and I have to agree with the sentiment.

I am interested in what precedes that more famous line; the familiar and our attachment to it to the exclusion of so much outside ourselves and beyond has inspired many movie and literary plots. It is common to find characters on a quest or journey where they may never return or may not be able to find their way home (StarTrek, King Arthur stories, BattleStar Galactica, and of course the Wizard of Oz or Lord of the Rings). I loved the story of Gawain and the Green Knight. I felt so sad as I read the description of Gawain's long bleak journey to find the Green Knight's home so that he could keep his word and honor his promise to let the Green Knight have his head. Knowing that he would die if he should succeed at his search for the Green Knight's home makes it so much more awful. The idea that we can never return home resonates.

My moods and creativity are easily influenced by the people I surround myself with. I think that is why I miss art school. It is certainly why I seek out people who are smarter than I or who are more actively creative than I am motivated to be all on my own. It is one way that I need people. I am currently surrounded by creative types and I am inspired. It makes me happy.

2008-05-31T14:29:00.000-07:00

I have been looking forward to the weekend. And now I am sick. Sonofabitch! I am going to go back to sleep now.

2008-05-26T13:37:00.001-07:00

I have a reception job for a few months at a wage I am very happy with!! yay!

I have discovered that you can play ticket to ride online. yay!

I made mac and cheese spirals is celebration. There is something very different about the spirals that I cannot describe, but I find them much tastier.

I am happy right now.

2008-05-25T02:00:00.000-07:00

I have been waiting for close to two weeks to see if I would get a placement with my current employment agency and it looks like it is time to go somewhere else. They have been very lax with even contacting me, nevermind finding me a position. All bets are off with them.

I hated my first day at the new job and intend to quit. I hate retail more now than expected. And quotas . . shiver.

2008-05-22T00:05:00.000-07:00

I got a job at one of my favorite clothing stores. I just walked in and had a job. It is not going to pay enough, but it should be good while I look for something more lucrative. I intend to keep looking. I cannot go back to poor AND the resulting unhappy. Broke for a little bit is fine.

2008-05-20T03:43:00.000-07:00

My sleeping schedule is off. I made the mistake of falling asleep for five hours and waking up at midnight. I'll fill my day tomorrow and keep busy and perhaps that will set me straight.

I am adjusting to how quickly I have changed my circumstances. There are certain things that I expected to miss that I do not and odd things that I do miss. My habit of wishful thinking is catching me up and I need to deal with a few important things I thought would be fine as they stood. No steady job yet but I am continuing to apply and I have had one interview.

I went to see Prince Caspian and it was lovely. Dave treated me because I am broke for the moment. I wanted to cry {at the movie} but I didn't. It is a strange feeling to want to cry and not be able to. I have experienced it before but not for a long long time. With it comes relief from the anxiety and stress and overwhelming emotions that have been running me about like a little boat on a stormy sea with too much sail catching at the wind.

I miss my favorite spot down on the river where I started to fall in love for the first time, once upon a time. Every spring I usually go there and breath and feel peace; I could welcome the bittersweetness of the emotions that I felt there and remember my triumphs and failures. I did not get a chance to do that before I left.

Feel free to share something you have missed that you did not expect to miss in the comments.

Edmonchuk

2008-05-12T22:56:00.000-07:00

I am out of my comfort zone and a little on edge. But I had a lovely coffee with a wonderful old friend and my roomies are total sweethearts. And I like my space and my computer is working quite well. I want boyfriend cuddles but I am making due with boyfriend phone conversations. I have gone to my employment agency to get things set up and I am going to apply for several online jobs tomorrow. And then I am going to plan a series of gallery visits over the next few weeks.

On with the adventure . . .

2008-05-07T14:11:00.000-07:00

I played my last game of D&D last night. It has been my favorite game for a long time and I am a little sad. I do not miss LARP. That might change, but I am relaxed about the disinterest.

The move is almost upon me and I am excited but a little nervous. The "whatifs" are on the attack. I have had a strange run of bad luck that has left me paranoid. Fingers crossed that misfortune will let me get a few contingencies in place before it strikes :)

This is what relaxed feels like?

2008-05-02T23:18:00.000-07:00

Relaxation is ignoring all of my big plans, which never work out as I imagine. Relaxation is not feeling guilty. Relaxed carla has been playing with the dogs, petting the kitty, making supper each night, tidying, going through old university papers (fuck, I wrote intelligently and now when I return to it I cannot believe I wrote it.), eating rarely between meals, checking out jobs and working on resumes, sleeping in until 11AM, and getting used to amusing myself again after years of depending on outside sources of interest.

Today I watched so much TV I wanted to stab CNN "reporters" in the face and I enjoyed myself immensely. I teased my mom until she screwed up her face and stuck her tongue out at me and then I teased her some more. I never want to see another episode of CSI in this lifetime and my Seinfeld knowledge is increasing. It was so much fun yelling at the TV and laughing at the stupidity of commercials and programming that my stomach hurt afterward. Would you believe that CNN ran a commercial about how every American is truly free and always questions the facts and that is why they come to CNN? grrrrr.

I was the kid that played alone for days and did not have organized crafts or events to occupy me all of the time*, and that gave small me some sense of pride; I took solace in my ability to imagine when I was little and I was left out by kids at school or made fun of for being the weird new kid (My haircut in grade four was admittedly an atrocity of grave measure.). Fucking dreamer (grin). Relaxed carla has been daydreaming for fun instead of desperately dreaming for a way out of my burnout and money problems. Those desperate dreams left me with a weird hazy impression that I was doing something about the things making me unhappy when I was not. Slowing everything down has given me insight into how I can get control of my overeating and my wishful thinking. I have wished for everything wrong to be fixed in a day and hoped for some sort of event outside myself to "save me". This has filled me with some amount of embarrassment but it is easily accepted too. I have had so many great times in the last months and years but the underlying bad self image and self torture for continuing to "fail" at making everything suddenly "workout" was the proverbial thorn in side.

Relaxed is good. I am enjoying it for one more week, and then I will try to replicate the recipe for Edmonton :) I am looking forward.

*In grade three, a bunch of kids told me "You have to paint the apple red, because apples are red," and then tried to get me in trouble when I told them my apple was Tribble Fruit and I had decided it should be purple and blue. I have no idea where Tribble Fruit came from so don't ask me. I think that red paint had been set out for the exercise but I had gone to the cupboard and taken out the blue and purple little pucks of waterbased paint without asking. I do remember Mrs. Down telling me that "most" apples are red and this was supposed to be an apple, but she said it once and then left it alone. I think she made a solid diplomatic choice. Weird that I remember this but I cannot remember what I ate for breakfast.

That is me on the left. I was 8. And my brothers John and Neil and my sis Ang.

What I have been made aware of after three weeks.

2008-04-25T20:24:00.000-07:00

1. I am not going to paint with the verve and obsessiveness I once did, but I still do interesting work and I still have skills. I am never going to have the energy I did.

2. I needed this break and change in focus and I am glad that it worked out this way.

3. When I feel overly dependant on others for comfort or anything else, I become increasingly depressed; that said, I am not healthy or at my best when I am alone. I require hugs and conversation. Being able to depend on others = good.

4. Isis is more happy than I am to be out of that tiny apartment. She caught a mouse and bird in the last three days. And the glorious rolling that has been going on looks like so much fun that I wish I could do it.

2008-04-23T00:36:00.000-07:00

Painting goes well, drawing goes better than expected, and organization is almost complete. After all of the purging, I still have alot of stuff and it irks me.

The cold and the blowing wind have caused around one hundred robins, finches, and other little birds (I think I saw a jenny wren and there was the required sparrow hawk in the early morning) to hide out in the huge bird-friendly expanse that is my parents' backyard. There were so many eating the berries from one of the trees and seed from the bird feeders that Icy started to hyperventilate. I'll try for pictures tomorrow because it is stunning. There are so many that they started to hit the large kitchen window off of the patio. After the sixth and loudest thump into the window, I went to close the blinds in the hope that they would stop hitting the glass only to find that the robin who most recently had hit the window was in its death throws. It took 30 seconds for me to realize what was ultimately going to happen. I hoped that it was only stunned and I kept saying, "Get up, little one." But he stopped moving and died within those 30 seconds. The "country" girl in me says to throw it in the compost and the "city" girl says bury it. And the morbid girl says give it to Isis and see how she handles seeing her first dead bird. Anyone want to weigh in?

My mind is an asshole.

2008-04-15T11:24:00.001-07:00

I hit some obstacles over the last three days and struggled with painting anything yesterday. I had no idea how easily everything used to come to me when I was painting and drawing everyday. Years of practice made everything so much easier. Now it is dragging and nothing seems to work how it "should". Right now painting is labourous and muddled and everything I make is a piece of shit. Then I went into my customary rage and the resulting down was almost overwhelming. My body remembers all of the movement and my hands remember all of my tricks but my mind is fucking laughing while it takes a little time off. My mind is a scratch ticket that keeps saying, "better luck next time." My mind is the asshole that takes off for a weekend and doesn't even call in to say she won't be at work. I wish I could rip it up or at least fire it and get some better help around here.

Yesterday I felt defeated. Today I feel the kind of anger I haven't felt for three fucking years!!! I know that is hard to believe, but I haven't felt this way in three years and I did not realize how much drive it gives me. It is one of the only ways I have ever been able to motivate myself and I have not been letting myself be this angry. Fuck. Feeling this way makes me grotesquely happy. Thanks to everyone I chatted with yesterday. I am really glad I could talk it out.

First steps

2008-04-12T16:09:00.000-07:00

Finally

2008-04-11T21:38:00.000-07:00

I painted.

I swore and threw a few things while getting my easel fixed and working. I almost killed the cat when she thought it a lovely idea to run under my feet while I was carrying a box spring. I had to move furniture in order to claim the other spare bedroom.

And then I painted.

Tomorrow I will be prepping for a project I used to do monthly for several years; the hundred paintings in one hour exercise. I was once very good at this exercise :) The curtains may have to be taken down however. I will post my first thoughtful painting in years as soon as I am finished. Tomorrow. I am pumped.

My cat wants to drink the paint water. . . which brings back memories of studio hijinks and the time I mistook an old mug for coffee instead of acrylic paint juice*. And I played with the pups until I gave myself an asthma attack, but it felt so good to run about and the dogs were all played out too by the time we were finished playing. Maybe cardio exercises are not a thing of the past for me. Thank God** that I have an inhaler for before and afterwards.

* But that was after 37 hours with out sleep, I promise.
** Where does an athiest turn for a good swear word? Perhaps I should have caught this long ago, but shrug. I want to say, "Thank God." and "God Dammit!" but they have lost their juicyness. And they roll off the tongue so well (whine) after so long as something forbidden. What the hell (Gah! That is not working either!) do I do? Where do I turn? "Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster!" does not have the same . . . oomph.

Why do Thiests have the best swear words?
"Gadzooks" is my new favorite word.
How Swearing Works.

Athena (Tina) and Fonsie (the Fons) in that order

Rebootable Life of Carla

2008-04-05T11:10:00.000-07:00

I reduced my belongings by half. Value Village and the Salvation Army are the proud keepers of many objects mundane and odd (goodbye, weird table that I stole from my studio space when I was in art school). I am good at throwing possessions away or bad depending on your perspective. Moving and carrying help was wonderful. Thank you. A weight has been lifted on several levels. I have no keys except for the one for my car. Mom and Dad only lock the house when they leave for longer than a day. My parents are happy to see me and do not care if I stay for longer than I intended. I am not making more bills than I can pay. My dad is playing his music REally LOud; it is nice to be in a house in a small town. Apartments are not the same. The rest of small town living is shit on a stick but then I hate my home town. I am here for some hermit-like living. It is perfect.

Icy is walking around like she owns the place. She beat the crap out of TT and was trying to find TT's hidy hole for another round when I last checked. I had no idea Icy had this much bitch in her. I am proud. She is turning over a new leaf just like her person is. She already has four straws hidden under the carpet on the stairs so she is definitely nesting. I have not painted yet, but I planned not to until I could reorganize my belongings again and find all of my art supplies (I have been hoarding those for years and am astonished as the pile grows). I start asap and will be posting a new work every second day after that. Like a web comic without the comic. Perhaps a web abstraction or painting instead.